16 ways to achieve regular lovemaking without traumatising the relationship
How can married couples have the best sex and still have it regularly? To be honest with you, this is the greatest challenge faced by many couples ever since they got married. Sometimes in order to justify themselves [ especially the wives] and not feel too guilty, many couples ask me: “How many times do you make love with your spouse in a week?” The usual response from most husbands is that they do it only twice or three times a week. Although married couples struggle to agree on a variety of issues, it seems that regular sex is one area in which they often give up trying to find a solution.
Nearly always, one partner wants sex more than the other. And, contrary to conventional wisdom, it is not always the men who ask for more. Judging by the e-mails, calls and text messages I have so far received, there are just as many women as men who say they desire a more active sex life than their spouses.
One …If you and your mate are struggling in this area, try these 16 steps to improve sexual satisfaction for both of you. First, make sure you are both observing the same mutual view rules. Then approach the sexual aspect of your marriage in the context of your entire relationship.The mutual view rules recognise a few overarching truths about sexual intimacy. You may begin by agreeing that God
is the creator of sex and all its pleasures; that orgasm is not some evil post-fall addition to the process of procreation; and that it was God who decided that sex should be extraordinarily incredible, unbelievable and exceptional.Quite frankly, words alone cannot express what level of enjoyment that the Almighty Creator had in mind.
He is also the one who established certain parameters (namely, marriage) to protect and maximise the experience. If you arestruggling with doubts about how much you should enjoy sex, exercise the freedom that God has already given you and enjoy it to your own limit. Now that you have said “Ido,” it is time to explore the gift of pleasure with your spouse.
Two …You must agree to keep talking about it. Great sexbegins with talking together in an open, trusting, accepting manner, and it is the only path to resolving the “how often is enough” question.
Three …You should agree not to assume anything about your mate. Many factors lie behind each person’s desire formore sex or less.Do not assume that it is simply a male versus female inconsistency in desire or that you know what your spouse’s “problem” is.
Four …Also do not insist that your spouse must conformto your libido and timetable. On the flip side, do not assume your mate knows why you feel the way you do. You have to express your own feelings, preferences and concerns in a selfless manner.Instead of assuming, commit yourself to understanding yourspouse and to helping him or her understand you. That is part of your lifelong commitment to care for and treasure each other.
Five …Agree to consider possible outside barriers. Many men and women get married after they have had difficult experiences that may prevent them from fully enjoying God’s gift of sex. Sexual misinformation, promiscuity and sexual addiction leave memories that can make it hard, sometimes even impossible, to desire further sexual intimacy.If past experiences are affecting your sexual relationship, donot hesitate to seek assistance from a counsellor who has helped others with similar struggles.
Six … Now, once you and your spouse have a mutual agreement on the basic rules, turn your attention to one ofthe greatest destroyers of sexual intimacy: the separation ofsex from the rest of your relationship. Do not try to solveyour frequency problem by going straight to the question: “How many times should we ‘do it’ per week?” That would be discussing your sexual relationship in a vacuum. Great sex depends on factors such as in-depth communication, a sense of sharing your lives together, emotional intimacy and, especially, a solid commitment to your relationship.
The point I am stressing here is this: if you want improvements in the bedroom, put the rest of your house inorder. To play on a common stereotype, let us say both Emeka and Bisi occupy the same home, but they cannot agree on which room should get the most attention. Bisi wants the entire house to be taken care of, so that it willlook nice and operate efficiently. There should be no dirty clothes on the floor of their bedroom, no shoes scattered around the family room, no take-home office-papers stacked in a counter.While Emeka thinks a neat house is fine, he is most concerned about his reading table in the study. Bisi views the table as one part of the whole house, just as he focuses most of his attention on it.
Emeka wants his wife to care as much about the table as he does. Bisi says she would try, but she wishes Emeka would be more involved in caring for the rest of the home.If he would do that, she would have a lot more energy to devote to the reading table. You can imagine her frustrationwhen, the following week, she felt once again that the restof the house was falling apart. She mentioned it to Emekaand all he could suggest was: “Let us talk about the condition of the reading table.”What I am saying in essence is, if you are concerned about having more or better sex, you need first to invest care and attention in building your entire marriage. This is true for every couple. I am more receptive to discussing oursex life when my husband has been listening and responding to my concerns about how many hours I’m working or about an issue with one of our children.
Think back over the last week or two. Has your spouse shared a desire for you to talk more? Has your mate asked you to take greater care with the family house building project? Has he begun to spend more time with thechildren, to show affection without insisting on sex, to be home more, to help out around the house? How did you respond? It is good to remember that there is a lot more to a home than the worktable.At the same time, do not underestimate the value of the worktable. Fervent, passionate, obsessive, fanatical and ever-to-be-remembered- intercourse is not to be reserved onlyfor times when everything else in your relationship is perfect in your own way, when your spouse has done everything humanly possible to make you happy and every disagreement is resolved and forgotten. If those are your requirements, you‘ll end up with a sorry sad sex life.
Seven …Couples have to come to terms with the fact thatsex is not a reward or a game and it is not something towithhold as a punishment. Sexual expression is central and important. Do not trivialise it or use it to manipulate your spouse to get what you want.
Eight …Now you and your spouse have agreed on the mutual view rules of sex, you have begun to clear away the barriers from the past. You are talking about sex with each other. And you are making a consistent effort to invest in your entire relationship, which will help your sex life flourish.You are covering the basics, but you should also pay attention to two big sex-stealers, unrealistic dogmatic schedule and physical exhaustion. Women, especially, often feel too tired for lovemaking.
If you can agree that improving your sex life and increasing its frequency are high priorities (and they should be), then establish an amalgamated front against busyness and reclaim the time you need for sex.
Nearly always, one partner wants sex more than the other. And, contrary to conventional wisdom, it is not always the men who ask for more. Judging by the e-mails, calls and text messages I have so far received, there are just as many women as men who say they desire a more active sex life than their spouses.
One …If you and your mate are struggling in this area, try these 16 steps to improve sexual satisfaction for both of you. First, make sure you are both observing the same mutual view rules. Then approach the sexual aspect of your marriage in the context of your entire relationship.The mutual view rules recognise a few overarching truths about sexual intimacy. You may begin by agreeing that God
is the creator of sex and all its pleasures; that orgasm is not some evil post-fall addition to the process of procreation; and that it was God who decided that sex should be extraordinarily incredible, unbelievable and exceptional.Quite frankly, words alone cannot express what level of enjoyment that the Almighty Creator had in mind.
He is also the one who established certain parameters (namely, marriage) to protect and maximise the experience. If you arestruggling with doubts about how much you should enjoy sex, exercise the freedom that God has already given you and enjoy it to your own limit. Now that you have said “Ido,” it is time to explore the gift of pleasure with your spouse.
Two …You must agree to keep talking about it. Great sexbegins with talking together in an open, trusting, accepting manner, and it is the only path to resolving the “how often is enough” question.
Three …You should agree not to assume anything about your mate. Many factors lie behind each person’s desire formore sex or less.Do not assume that it is simply a male versus female inconsistency in desire or that you know what your spouse’s “problem” is.
Four …Also do not insist that your spouse must conformto your libido and timetable. On the flip side, do not assume your mate knows why you feel the way you do. You have to express your own feelings, preferences and concerns in a selfless manner.Instead of assuming, commit yourself to understanding yourspouse and to helping him or her understand you. That is part of your lifelong commitment to care for and treasure each other.
Five …Agree to consider possible outside barriers. Many men and women get married after they have had difficult experiences that may prevent them from fully enjoying God’s gift of sex. Sexual misinformation, promiscuity and sexual addiction leave memories that can make it hard, sometimes even impossible, to desire further sexual intimacy.If past experiences are affecting your sexual relationship, donot hesitate to seek assistance from a counsellor who has helped others with similar struggles.
Six … Now, once you and your spouse have a mutual agreement on the basic rules, turn your attention to one ofthe greatest destroyers of sexual intimacy: the separation ofsex from the rest of your relationship. Do not try to solveyour frequency problem by going straight to the question: “How many times should we ‘do it’ per week?” That would be discussing your sexual relationship in a vacuum. Great sex depends on factors such as in-depth communication, a sense of sharing your lives together, emotional intimacy and, especially, a solid commitment to your relationship.
The point I am stressing here is this: if you want improvements in the bedroom, put the rest of your house inorder. To play on a common stereotype, let us say both Emeka and Bisi occupy the same home, but they cannot agree on which room should get the most attention. Bisi wants the entire house to be taken care of, so that it willlook nice and operate efficiently. There should be no dirty clothes on the floor of their bedroom, no shoes scattered around the family room, no take-home office-papers stacked in a counter.While Emeka thinks a neat house is fine, he is most concerned about his reading table in the study. Bisi views the table as one part of the whole house, just as he focuses most of his attention on it.
Emeka wants his wife to care as much about the table as he does. Bisi says she would try, but she wishes Emeka would be more involved in caring for the rest of the home.If he would do that, she would have a lot more energy to devote to the reading table. You can imagine her frustrationwhen, the following week, she felt once again that the restof the house was falling apart. She mentioned it to Emekaand all he could suggest was: “Let us talk about the condition of the reading table.”What I am saying in essence is, if you are concerned about having more or better sex, you need first to invest care and attention in building your entire marriage. This is true for every couple. I am more receptive to discussing oursex life when my husband has been listening and responding to my concerns about how many hours I’m working or about an issue with one of our children.
Think back over the last week or two. Has your spouse shared a desire for you to talk more? Has your mate asked you to take greater care with the family house building project? Has he begun to spend more time with thechildren, to show affection without insisting on sex, to be home more, to help out around the house? How did you respond? It is good to remember that there is a lot more to a home than the worktable.At the same time, do not underestimate the value of the worktable. Fervent, passionate, obsessive, fanatical and ever-to-be-remembered- intercourse is not to be reserved onlyfor times when everything else in your relationship is perfect in your own way, when your spouse has done everything humanly possible to make you happy and every disagreement is resolved and forgotten. If those are your requirements, you‘ll end up with a sorry sad sex life.
Seven …Couples have to come to terms with the fact thatsex is not a reward or a game and it is not something towithhold as a punishment. Sexual expression is central and important. Do not trivialise it or use it to manipulate your spouse to get what you want.
Eight …Now you and your spouse have agreed on the mutual view rules of sex, you have begun to clear away the barriers from the past. You are talking about sex with each other. And you are making a consistent effort to invest in your entire relationship, which will help your sex life flourish.You are covering the basics, but you should also pay attention to two big sex-stealers, unrealistic dogmatic schedule and physical exhaustion. Women, especially, often feel too tired for lovemaking.
If you can agree that improving your sex life and increasing its frequency are high priorities (and they should be), then establish an amalgamated front against busyness and reclaim the time you need for sex.
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